Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
40s are totally the cure
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.