I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
I'm just looking out for you.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.