I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.