i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
