Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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