sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
