I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
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