How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
It's never too late to be topless.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
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I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
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Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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