Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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