Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
