i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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