I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
