Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Who died my cat blue again?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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