I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Randomize
