Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
