I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
why do cheetos always look like penises
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
