This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
only if we run a train.
done.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
