I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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