So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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