he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
