we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
