He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
