I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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