dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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