i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
