If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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