i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Randomize
