I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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