Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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