I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I lost the right to judge tonight
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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