I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
