Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
