My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
