In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
