Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
