My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
