This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize
