I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
