I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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