I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
