Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
