I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
