I'm gonna have a badass scar
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
