You really coming over, don't trick.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
