Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
