I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
