also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
