We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
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i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
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You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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