so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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