The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
