I am midnight drunk by noon
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
