I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
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Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
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He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....