I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
