I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.