i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
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