If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
