dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
