I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
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