i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
