im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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