he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
