I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Randomize
